How to Skip the Small Talk and Have More Meaningful Conversations, According to Psychology
· Vice
The thought of small talk makes most people want to jump off a cliff, or at least hide in the bathroom until it’s socially acceptable to leave. The funny part is that the person on the other end of the conversation usually feels the same way.
Researchers tested this across a dozen experiments, pairing strangers up to discuss everyday subjects or more personal ones. People expected the deeper conversations to be painfully awkward, but ended up enjoying them more and feeling closer to the people they’d just met, according to the study. University of Chicago behavioral scientist Nicholas Epley said participants assumed opening up would be met with “blank stares and silence.” Most were pleasantly surprised to find someone willing to listen.
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And there’s something to be said for getting past the usual questions about work and weekend plans. University of Arizona psychologist Matthias Mehl recorded snippets of everyday conversations and found that the happiest participants had about twice as many meaningful discussions as the unhappiest ones. A larger follow-up study found that small talk wasn’t linked to happiness one way or the other. It’s fine for getting a conversation started, but spending an entire evening discussing someone’s commute sounds miserable.
The Secret to Having Better Conversations Might Be Simpler Than You Think
So how do you get past the weather? Harvard researchers found that people who asked more follow-up questions were better liked by the strangers they spoke with. It turns out people appreciate someone who’s actually listening instead of waiting for their turn to talk.
You don’t need a brilliant or clever opening line, either. A few small changes to the usual questions can get people talking about something more interesting.
- Instead of “What do you do?” try “What’s the most ridiculous thing that’s happened at your job?”
- “Where are you from?” could lead to “Would you ever move back?”
- After “Any plans this weekend?” ask “How’d you get into that?”
- And if someone’s talking about a movie they loved, ask what they liked about it.
The conversation will probably give you somewhere to go from there. When someone starts getting excited about a subject, ask another question or share something from your own experience. You can usually tell when you’ve found something they enjoy discussing.
Of course, there will always be people who answer everything with one word and stare over your shoulder looking for an escape. You can let those conversations end.
As for everyone else, you might be surprised how quickly a stranger becomes an actual interesting human.
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